How to Build Balanced Relationships: Transcript
It’s nice to connect with everyone again. Today’s topic is a bit different. Since it’s Women’s History Month, we wanted to focus on something more relevant to women’s experiences. We landed on the idea of the “balance myth” and will be discussing mental load, invisible labor, and partnership equity.
We’ll be exploring workload within relationships, which is a very common experience. I’ll also include some interactive moments throughout.
I’m Megan Matusky. I’m a licensed clinical social worker, therapist, and the owner of Calm Mind Therapy, a private practice in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. We work with women of all ages and families on a range of mental health concerns, including relationships and relational patterns.
To get us started, I want to ask a quick question:
Who feels like the “default person” at home?
Just hold that idea in mind, we’ll come back to it throughout today.
Why This Topic Matters
While gender equality has improved in many ways, more women in leadership, more participation in the workforce, there is still a gap when it comes to balance within relationships.
Women are working more hours professionally than ever before, yet they are still maintaining similar levels of household responsibility. This means that while career demands have increased, household and relational demands have not decreased.
When we talk about labor, we’re not just talking about physical tasks. We’re also talking about cognitive labor, which often gets minimized despite being incredibly demanding.
As a result, many women are experiencing higher levels of burnout, which can lead to dissatisfaction in relationships.
What We’ll Cover Today
Invisible labor, mental load, and emotional labor
Why women tend to take on more
How these dynamics impact relationships
The Fair Play framework for redistributing labor
Communication strategies for discussing these issues with partners
Feel free to ask questions at any time.
Invisible Labor
Invisible labor is an umbrella term for work that is unseen, unmeasured, and often unrewarded. It’s the work that happens behind the scenes—things that “just get done” without anyone noticing how.
Examples include:
Keeping track of household supplies
Scheduling appointments
Managing family relationships
Monitoring emotional dynamics
This kind of work is essential, but it often goes unrecognized.
Mental Load
Mental load is a subset of invisible labor. It refers specifically to the cognitive work of managing life: planning, organizing, anticipating, and remembering.
Examples include:
Knowing what’s in the fridge
Remembering birthdays
Planning logistics for a busy weekend
Thinking ahead about meals
It’s not just cooking dinner, it’s planning the meal, knowing what ingredients are needed, and making sure everything is available.
This mental load is constant and largely invisible. It runs in the background, and it’s rarely acknowledged.
Emotional Labor
Emotional labor is the work involved in maintaining relationships and managing emotions, both our own and others’.
Examples include:
Listening to a partner after a long day
Checking in on friends
Maintaining connection in relationships
Managing emotional dynamics in a household
Relationships require effort, and emotional labor is a significant part of that effort. Again, this is work that often goes unnoticed but carries real weight.
Exercise: Noticing Invisible Labor
Take a moment to think about the past 24 hours.
Write down everything you’ve done that someone else may not have noticed.
This could include:
Ordering household items
Planning meals
Remembering preferences
Coordinating schedules
Afterward, reflect:
Was it easy or difficult to identify these tasks?
Was your list longer than expected?
Many people find this challenging because these tasks are so automatic that we don’t consciously register them. This exercise helps highlight just how much invisible work is happening.
Expanding the Lens
This isn’t limited to relationships, it shows up in work as well. Many people manage teams, anticipate needs, and support others behind the scenes without recognition.
It also highlights how much executive functioning is involved. Planning, organizing, and anticipating all require significant mental energy, yet we rarely give ourselves credit for this effort.
The Many Roles We Hold
We often carry multiple roles simultaneously:
Professional
Partner
Friend
Family member
Household manager
Social planner
Caregiver
Financial manager
Each of these roles could be a full-time job. Yet we take them on as part of daily life, along with the invisible labor that supports them.
Why Does This Happen?
There are several reasons women tend to take on more:
Socialization and gender roles
Competence trap (“It’s easier if I just do it myself”)
Cultural expectations
Avoidance of conflict
Unspoken relationship patterns
Much of this happens unconsciously. It’s not inherently negative, but it’s worth examining whether these roles are sustainable or need to be shared.
Impact on Relationships
When invisible labor is unevenly distributed, it can lead to:
Resentment
Feeling unseen or unappreciated
Emotional withdrawal
Disconnection
Pursuer–distancer dynamics
Over time, this can contribute to burnout and strain in the relationship. Sometimes what looks like relationship conflict is actually general burnout being expressed in close relationships.
Introducing Fair Play
The Fair Play framework encourages couples to think about relationships like organizations, where roles and responsibilities are clearly defined.
Instead of assuming tasks will be handled, partners explicitly discuss:
What needs to be done
Who is responsible for what
A key concept is the CPE model:
1. Conceive
Noticing the need (e.g., realizing you’re out of groceries)
2. Plan
Figuring out logistics and decision-making
3. Execute
Completing the task
Most people focus only on execution, but true ownership includes all three steps.
Ownership vs. Helping
A common dynamic is asking a partner to “help,” which can unintentionally create a hierarchy.
Instead, the goal is ownership:
One person is fully responsible for a domain
That includes conceiving, planning, and executing
This shifts the dynamic from delegation to partnership and helps redistribute mental load more equitably.
Exercise: Identifying Roles
The Fair Play method uses a set of “task cards” representing different responsibilities in a household.
The idea is to:
Identify which tasks apply to your life
Define who owns each task
Ensure ownership includes the full CPE cycle
This creates clarity, reduces assumptions, and supports more balanced partnerships.
Fair Play Exercise: Dividing Responsibilities
In relationships, balance doesn’t necessarily mean a 50/50 split. Sometimes a 70/30 division works better, depending on each person’s capacity, preferences, and strengths.
What matters most is that the division feels fair to both partners.
Once you begin identifying responsibilities, the next step is to look more closely at ownership. You may notice that there are tasks you currently share but would prefer to fully hand off.
For example, you might be partially responsible for something but realize you don’t want to hold any responsibility for it moving forward. This is where conversations around invisible labor become important.
Exercise: Identifying Ownership
Take a moment to reflect on your current responsibilities.
Write down the tasks you feel you primarily own
On the other side, list the tasks your partner owns
Notice how the responsibilities are distributed
As you review your lists, ask yourself:
Does this feel balanced?
Are there tasks you would like to fully hand off?
You may also notice whether it feels easy or difficult to identify ownership. That in itself can be meaningful.
Reflection: Shared vs. Owned Tasks
Many people notice that a large number of tasks are shared. While this can seem equitable, shared responsibility often still carries a mental load.
Even partial ownership means you are still thinking about, tracking, or managing part of the task.
For some, fully owning a task, or fully handing it off, can feel more relieving than splitting it. Clear ownership reduces ambiguity and can lighten the mental burden.
Expanding the Concept of Ownership
This framework applies beyond romantic relationships.
In families, for example, responsibilities are often distributed based on roles, strengths, or circumstances. One person may handle technology, while another manages meals or household upkeep.
The key is clarity:
Who is responsible?
What does that responsibility include?
Without clear ownership, tasks can become ambiguous, leading to confusion or frustration.
Why Ownership Matters
When responsibilities are unclear, it can create:
Uncertainty about who is responsible
Misaligned expectations
Increased potential for conflict
Some people describe this dynamic as “if everyone is responsible, then no one is responsible.”
Clear ownership helps eliminate guesswork and reduces tension.
Flexibility in Relationships
Balance is not static.
Responsibilities will shift over time based on:
Energy levels
Life stressors
Changing circumstances
Healthy partnerships allow for this ebb and flow. At times, one person may take on more, and at other times, less.
Ongoing communication is essential.
Barriers to These Conversations
It’s common to feel hesitant about discussing task distribution. Some common concerns include:
Fear of it turning into scorekeeping
Worry that a partner won’t do the task “correctly”
Difficulty letting go of control
Internalized gender roles
Fear of conflict
These concerns are valid, especially since many people were never taught how to have these conversations.
Communication Framework: Observation, Impact, Need
One helpful way to approach these conversations is through a simple structure:
1. Observation
State a neutral, factual observation
“I’m noticing I’ve been managing most of the scheduling.”
2. Impact
Share how it affects you
“I feel overwhelmed and stretched thin.”
3. Need
Express a clear, actionable need
“I need more shared ownership” or “I need you to take this on this week.”
This framework helps reduce blame and keeps the conversation focused and constructive.
Practice Examples
Example 1:
“I notice I’ve been taking out the trash most of the time. I feel overwhelmed and a bit resentful. I need you to take ownership of this task without me asking.”
Example 2 (refined):
Observation: “I notice the dogs haven’t been fed yet.”
Impact: “I feel frustrated and worried.”
Need: “I need you to take full ownership of feeding them without reminders.”
The key is to focus on your experience rather than making assumptions about the other person.
Key Takeaway: Redefining Balance
Balance in relationships does not mean:
Equal time
Perfection
Constant harmony
Instead, it looks like:
Clear communication
Defined ownership
Ongoing flexibility
These conversations are not one-time events. They are ongoing and evolve with the relationship.
Bringing It Into Real Life
This framework can be applied across different areas of life:
Romantic relationships
Family systems
Work dynamics
Starting these conversations early, especially in new relationships, can help build shared understanding and prevent future frustration.
Rather than assuming your partner sees what you see, it’s important to make expectations explicit.
Citations
Brodsky, A. (2024, December 3). Understanding mental load: What it is and how it affects you. Cleveland Clinic. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/mental-load
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex roles, 81(7-8), 467–486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
Gaspard, T. (2020, February 21). The pursuer‑distancer dynamic. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-pursuer-distancer-dynamic/
The Gottman Institute. (2025, September 26). Lack of emotional connection in relationships: Signs of emotional disconnection. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/lack-of-emotional-connection-in-relationships-signs-of-emotional-disconnection/
Hsu, A. (2023, April 13). Women are earning more money. But they’re still picking up a heavier load at home. NPR.
https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care
Krauss, W. (2022, December 11). What is emotional labor? Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-labor-5193184
Rajendrakumar, J. (2022, January 6). Blame, resentment, and negative sentiment override. The Gottman Institute.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/blame-resentment-and-negative-sentiment-override/
Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G. P. Putnam’s Sons.
Parker, K. (2015, October 1). Women more than men adjust their careers for family life. Pew Research Center.
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Calm Mind Therapy is a boutique mental health practice located in Ardmore, PA, specializing in the care of children, adolescents, and adults. Our mission is to provide the Main Line with high-quality mental health services for all ages. Our goal is to help our clients achieve emotional well-being and build a life worth living. Serving clients in Ardmore, Bryn Mawr, Wynnewood, Narberth, Radnor, Lower Merion, Haverford, Havertown, Villanova, Swarthmore, Devon, Berwyn, Malvern, Bala Cynwyd, Philadelphia, and more.
